Have you noticed that everywhere you turn these days there is a “motivational” or “inspirational” meme about how you have to seize the moment, push hard, strive bigger, drive yourself with MORE passion, more work, more effort, less fear?
Well I noticed. And I nodded my head in agreement. YES!!! I thought. I am creating my business. I am juggling 3 young kids, being a military spouse without family or help nearby, and “building that empire” brick by brick.
You see after years of illness, some of which kept me bed-bound and housebound, I had this motivation, this drive, (this pressure) to become bigger, badder, and MORE than I was before. I needed to make up for lost time, when I felt like I wasn’t enough. In a world where sickness = weakness, it became clear that I had to prove myself, that I had value.
And so I found this “hobby” in the realm of real food recipes, it was a multi-faceted passion. I made food that helped heal my body, I had a creative outlet where I could produce something interesting and different, and I used it as a tool to connect with others who were sick and needed help. I started feeling so fulfilled, content, and also found a drive I had been missing for so long. As a Type-A it seemed like the perfect niche for me, a place to call my own while still doing my “momming”.
I became so driven in fact that before I even put my work on social media, I turned to my husband and said “I am going to write a book. I don’t know when or how, but I am going to make it happen”. He nodded and probably thought I was crazy but knew well enough not to squash my grand plan.
Well guess what this crazy a$$ did? I got my book deal within 6 months of posting on social media, knowing absolutely NOTHING about what being a published author really meant. And then I decided that I should push even HARDER and *really* seize the opportunity and I wrote a total of 4 books in one and a half years. Because somewhere in that mix, I felt like doing more equated to having more value. That if I wasn’t “doing it now” then I was wasting my life. And hadn’t I already *wasted* so much of it being sick after all? Now was my time to make up for all that “laziness”. Where did this message come from? And what have I been doing to myself?
Last weekend, I ended up in the ER with acute onset intestinal bleeding, following a 12 day migraine. My body was breaking. Again. It was failing me. Did I bring this on? Am I to blame? And more importantly, DO I NEED TO PLACE EVEN MORE BLAME AND SHAME ON MYSELF?! After years of feeling like I wasn’t enough, do I really need to now blame myself for getting sick again?
I am home. I am resting. I am doing whatever I can to rehabilitate a body that has been pushed too far. Even if I did the pushing to myself, it has been exceeding its limits for awhile now. I do not value “Busy,” in fact I believe “Busy” to be far from an accomplishment; more like a symptom. Yet in the same sense, I was “busying” myself with work, with trying to push harder, strive bigger, be worthy.
And now I realize that I am going to have to have worth as I am, despite my level of production, even if I have a couch day (which I always fought for fear of being lazy), despite the fact that some days I will create nothing. In the end, it may be those *unproductive, meaningless, lazy* days that hold the most importance in my healing.
And if you too are in a position where you have been pushing, fighting, and going beyond your level of comfort so that you can *be somebody special*, realize this: YOU ALREADY ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE ENOUGH EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. AND SO AM I.