My Energy Kinesiology Experience This is long. Brace yourselves. My whole life I have been a creative. And a people pleaser. And an empath. I was a ballet dancer, and charity based special event planner, and now this. My mission is always to find new or different ways to help people in need. And I love it. But being this combination of things, I also find that I lose myself in others. I absorb their emotions, their stress. I work hard to be better than “good enough”. I criticize myself that I am not pretty enough, thin enough, healthy enough, hardworking enough, talented enough. If I receive a compliment, I find ways to self-depricate. If I write a book, I look back through it and find all the things I would change. When I look in the mirror I find flaws I’d like to tweak. I’m critical and make it impossible to live up to my own standards. And then when others make accusations, I let those eat at me too. I’ve made progress, but the cycle is still there. I say things like, “I’m not great at any one thing, I’m just mediocre at a lot of things.” I create stress by not being enough. And in not being enough, and working to please people, and trying to help others and becoming absorbed by their emotions, I hit a breaking point. That was around 15 years ago, when I had sudden and intense panic attacks that consumed me so wholly I quickly shrank to 105 pounds and rarely left home. I lost the joy in life. I just tried to survive. I tried to get past this period without the help from medication but ended up needing it. I saw myself as lesser than and unable to pick myself up by the bootstraps. I mourned the fact that I just wasn’t “strong enough.” And then I got through that and moved to Germany with my then fiance now husband of 12 years and I couldn’t stand the thought of not being productive. So in the same month (while on an SSRI to control my 10x a day panic attacks), I went back to work doing a job I’d never done before and decided to enroll myself in graduate school simultaneously. I was horrified at the idea that I might not graduate with a 4.0. And so I made sure that it happened. I overextended myself because I couldn’t bear the thought of not being “smart enough”. We moved back from Germany two years later and I was 6 months pregnant with our first child. I was paranoid about miscarriage after some early pregnancy spotting and I carried this emotional weight with me, despite having a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy and baby. Then I had another baby less than a year apart and amidst the stress of a military husband deploying and raising two babies at the same time alone, I developed Hashimoto’s. I cried at the thought of needing to take a lifelong medicine. I saw myself as weak and not good enough for being unable to “power through.” I hated that I wasn’t “healthy enough.” I was able to recover some and stabilize, moved to another assignment in another state, was gluten free and on natural desiccated thyroid, and began acupuncture and working out. I was surprisingly content even though my husband took a military job that had him separated from us 200 days out of the year. I had our 3rd baby during that assignment and had a healthy uneventful pregnancy. I committed myself to a natural, unmedicated birth which I was not able to do either of the prior times and was able to fulfill that wish. But directly after the birth I was not empowered. I was traumatized, weak and shaky. I was overwhelmed with how drained my body was and was actually surprised by this after reading other mothers’ experiences with natural deliveries. I was sad that I wasn’t “resilient enough.” After this baby around the 5 month postpartum mark, I became gravely ill. I don’t know what it was – the juggle of 3 young children, another cross country move, my inability to cope with moving 5 people instead of 4, hormonal imbalances, overgrown infections? I remained housebound and bedbound for quite awhile after this move and worsened. I saw specialists of all kinds, including the obgyn who told me I needed a gym and a therapist in lieu of trying to actually help me. I worked hard at becoming healthy again through traditional Lyme disease treatment (which only made me worse), dietary changes, and holistic approaches. I struggled with the fact that I didn’t see results very quickly. I was depressed that I wasn’t “healing enough.” When I finally began to make progress, I did find joy in that. I saw it as an opportunity to help others and started a blog. I didn’t even share my blog at first on social media until I noticed that my recipes were popping up on Pinterest. When I noticed that, I decided it was time. For the most part I received positive feedback and was greeted by people who identified with my story, until I was informed that I wasn’t “paleo enough.” I was given the gift and opportunity of being able to create 4 cookbooks in only a year and a half. And although I was not granted the chance to photograph my first book, I was able to take the photos for the remaining three. And yet when I look through my books, I look for ways that I could have made them better, prettier. I look at all the talent I lack. Now even my hard work wasn’t “creative enough”. Through never being enough, I have built up unrealistic expectations and carry around the weight of the world – trying to please others, be a better mother and wife, trying to feel good about myself. I feel the stress in my shoulders, chest, head, and gut -from years of never living up to the expectations I couldn’t fulfill. I don’t have panic attacks anymore and I am 80% or more better from my health crisis after my 3rd child was born. But I have created a bubble that I must live inside in order to feel safe from illness. I avoid certain situations, risks, and even opportunities because of the stress or overwhelmingness it might cause. What if I get sick and immobilized during those events? What if people don’t like how I look when they meet me in person? What if I don’t live up to others’ expectations of me? What if I don’t live up to my own? What if I’m STILL not enough? Flash forward to this week, during a cardiac flare, when I stumbled upon a local healer, an Energy Kinesiologist. I made my appointment and after talking for awhile, she had me lie down on her table. She incorporated exploring my meridians (Chinese), my chakras, some pressure points, muscle testing, and more. She instantly tapped into my kidney meridian and identified how I hold onto fear and also my esteem issues of never being enough. She knew without me saying that if ever I were to receive a compliment, I immediately follow with a self-depricating joke. She was able to identify that I can get myself into “damaging situations” and when she asked me what that means for me, I knew instantly that it relates to my inability to say “no” to people. That I will overextend and harm myself in order to please others. She used a combination of testing and treatment modalities and allowed my body to guide her into where she needed to test next and what my weaknesses and needs were. I was instructed to use tuning forks as part of my session for something called Biosonics, as well as Dr Bach’s walnut remedy used to “help protect us against outside influences in general, and against the effects of change in particular.” And maybe most interestingly, my body helped guide her to an affirmation in her literature which I was asked to repeat twice while in her office. It reads: “I make the commitment to kindly gently lovingly and supportively increase my ability to handle the stresses of life and move forward with confidence” By the time I left after about an hour and some change, there was a great calmness in my body. Seeing practitioners now often creates anxiety for me, subconsciously, because of the illnesses I’ve endured for so many years. Even when granted the opportunity to work with someone who can help me, my heart will often race in a waiting room, as I anticipate what’s next. Years of being poked, prodded, scanned, screened, and sometimes left for dead has left me with a hesitance and a great insecurity when asking for “help,” which is already innately hard for me to do. But I felt safe under her care. It helped me realize some of the emotional components of being sick that I hadn’t necessarily identified on my own. I feel confident that I can make that last bit of progress that will free me from my history of illness, and my fear of the what if’s. I think I can finally get closer to breaking outside of my bubble and live a more joyous, healthy life. I know it will take time to rewrite the subconscious dialogue, but I am already experiencing an awareness from just one session that loving myself and believing I AM ENOUGH may just be half the battle. And I am. ENOUGH. Maybe even more than that.
Update after Week 1: After session one I felt very introverted. I was not wanting to be social at all and I think it was because I really needed to reflect on doing the work alone. It felt right to avoid social occasions and I focused a LOT on being enough. Feeling that I was enough. And practicing that I was enough. I celebrated my accomplishments by purchasing a new piece of jewelry. A gift to myself for all my hard work in acknowledgment that my work is also enough. It felt good to reward myself, something I don’t often do. I also cried several times after this first visit – something I don’t do much anymore. But the interesting part was, I cried because I felt proud of a business I am building right now – seeing it come to fruition and doing it completely on my own. Update after Week 2: I reported back on my feelings of wanting to be alone and also my tearfulness. I told my energy kinesiologist that becoming more social without worry was something I wanted to work on. I have periods where I just want to avoid socializing because it’s so much work for me. It can often drain me instead of energize me. After this session and the work we did, I accomplished 3 things that I felt OPEN to do and desire for:
- I drove myself to Baltimore to the Natural Foods Expo to meet up with a few friends (this is an hour from my home and also a very busy event)
- I went to a cocktail party in my neighborhood and had a great time with local friends
- I was contacted by my best high school friend after she randomly (and not-so-coincidentally realized that we hadn’t chatted in 6 years). We chatted for over an hour and it was great to reconnect after a not-so-social week prior
Update after Week 3: I have a work opportunity that requires I travel to Chicago and commit myself to a long work day there. I’m feeling worried about how to get there (I don’t fly well since becoming sick) and how I will hold up working a 10+ hour day outside my comfort zone. We are working on preparing my body for this. Interestingly, my energy worker identified (or I helped her identify) that my body is really deficient in zinc. It was at that moment that I realized that a few years ago I tested borderline positive for Pyroluria and that I have a strong need for proper zinc supplementation. What’s even more fascinating is that the zinc supplement I have now makes me queasy (I didn’t tell her this) but she was able to identify that my current supplement was no good and I needed a food-based zinc supplement. I went and bought it right after our session and had no nausea after taking it. Will continue updating my progress regarding my travels over the next few weeks!